I am currently sitting in the comfort of my apartment in Los Angeles, the only destination I’ve been in over two months. Our globe is in the midst of a pandemic, during which our nation and individual states have been ordered to stay inside to protect ourselves and each other from getting/ spreading a virus.
Life as we know it has been put on pause. What did life look like B.C. (Before COVID-19)? Mine involved weekly plane rides to New York City, lunch and coffee dates in between, and the building-up of internal stress due to societal pressure to measure up to “success”. The American Dream: being so busy and successful that you half-ass almost everything you do in order to have more to show for, which is always better, of course. Self-care is an excuse to post more content on Instagram, and any sort of relaxation is ridden with guilt.
It has taken an order for rest and a mandated prescription of stillness to realize the monumental flaws in the old order of life- and while I can’t speak for everyone, I can undoubtedly attest for my own experiences. It is not lost on me that there are many people hurting as a result of this crisis; people unemployed, families struggling to feed their children, bodies fighting a virus that creates physical pain. I am humbled and extremely grateful that my time in quarantine has afforded me the privilege to heal through self-reflection.
When the front doors initially shut us in and the mirror was first hung up in front of me, I caught a glimpse and quickly turned away. I responded to the stress and anxiety of the unknown before me by focusing inward, attempting to control my own bodily form to feel some sense of peace. I exercised way more than I should… which led to an ankle injury that served as another order from the Universe to “SIT. DOWN”. The mirror was back in front of me again, yet this time I couldn’t run away. I sat there, at first thinking of all the ways to get out, my brain stewing with emotional responses of resistance. Eventually, I began to breathe. Breathing, the beauty of air passing in and out of my lungs, a human feat I had taken for granted before this all began- it was breathing that taught me to accept what is.
The process of acceptance did not occur overnight. At first my ego tapped on the glass and attempted to “fix” everything I’d become aware was wrong- not just about my way of life, but also about the image I saw in the mirror before me. Through trial and error, I’ve now begun to realize that by resisting what is right in front of our eyes, we do ourselves a great disservice. Instead, looking at what’s in the palm of your hands and accepting it leads you to make the most out of each moment. Your mind is then free to create what it wants out of life; but it all begins with you and your own response to the cards you’ve been dealt.
To say I’ve been healing in this quarantine would be an understatement. I’ve learned how to properly care for a physical injury, marveling at the power the body possesses to heal itself from the inside out. I’ve healed from sickness, battled mental anxiety and learned to breathe when panic flares up inside me. But even more, I’ve healed deep internal wounds, wounds that had been gaping open for months, years; wounds that had been eating away at my flesh that I never even knew were there, yet caused a desire within to distract myself from the pain by staying busy.
In June 2004, my family and I were in Abaco, Bahamas, our yearly vacation destination. The trip encompassed snorkeling the reefs, shell-searching on remote islands, and spending a week in the sun… which led to my sister getting the worst sunburn of her life. It was as if she’d been mortal enemies with the sun, its rays following her around all day long to torment her. By Happy Hour, Lauren looked like a lobster- and not just a pastel, Crayola Bittersweet-colored lobster- we’re talking a boiled lobster straight from the pot itself (yes, her skin also began to blister). Happy Hour was no more.
If you’ve experienced a bad sunburn before, you’ll know that towards the end of the healing process, the burn begins to peel off. Little splotches of dead, white skin emerge from the burned regions and eventually flake off, unbeknownst to you.
On the flight back home from Abaco, my sister was, unfortunately, in the prime-peeling period of healing from this awful sunburn. My 7-year-old self was sitting next to her, digested in one of The Amazing Days of Abby Hayes chapter books, lost in the narrative and ignorant of her condition. However, when we arrived at our gate and stood up to get our baggage, I noticed little white flakes all over the surrounding areas of our row, including the floor and her clothes. A mini snow storm had decided to flurry all over seat 24A. Being the young, unfiltered child I was and SHOCKED to witness what was before my eyes, I loudly exclaimed, “OH MY GOSH! LAUREN WHAT’S ALL OVER YOUR SEAT?!”
Eyes glanced over to see what this little girl was talking about. Every back that had been previously turned to us was now a face peering ‘round to get a look. My sister, needless to say, was mortified.
*I can now empathize with older sisters who get easily annoyed with their younger ones*
Like my sister on the plane those years ago, I am shedding old skin. I am standing up from the seat, my old habits, self-sabotaging thoughts, need for control, guilt, shame, and distractions flaking off and showering down around me. I have shed any sense of pressure and obligation, and stepped into being- being here, in the present, accepting what is.
I am saying goodbye to that old layer, thankful for its purpose and use in my life, but even more grateful for the shiny protection I now adorn. I am leaving baggage on the plane, saying goodbye to passengers I met who may have brought some excitement and joy along the way, but no longer serve me on the journey forward. No grudges, no resentment, nothing personal, just awareness of the need to deplane and go on. I am on the ground, glowing more than ever, ready to leave old skin and baggage behind in order to step into the adventure of life that awaits me.
Isn’t it fascinating how a mandate to stop traveling has allowed me to travel further than I have ever been in my life- to the innermost depths of my being?
I look forward to the day I can adventure out into the world again, because I know I will be approaching each destination with joy and gratitude. As an observer who marvels at the world before her, I have found new adventures in my own backyard every day during quarantine and have yet to run out of things to explore. Imagine how much more there is to discover when the world opens its gates again?
My glowing skin is ready to step outside.
Don’t worry, I will wear sunscreen 😉
Xoxo,
The Fly Girl
The Fly Life 