Love Is In The Air

An Open Letter To The Passionate Fedora-Wearing Couple Sitting Next To Me On An Airplane

{On a recent return flight from Ft. Lauderdale to Atlanta, I experienced the grossest flight of my life. The couple next to me was practically making love without the slightest care in the world that they were in a public place, sitting next to a teenager who looks as if she’s 16. As a Stand-By passenger, I have to be careful what I say to Revenue passengers, because if I say something that stirs another passenger, I could get in trouble.

So, I had to bite my tongue. I could not tell this man and woman to please save their behavior for a private space. I could not tell them that I was there, hearing everything they were saying and doing. I could not tell them they should be embarrassed of themselves and have proper decency in front of a girl. Did I mention this couple was in their 30’s?

So, this is my letter to them; what I would have said if I could. I really hope somehow, someway they see this someday. }

*

Dear Couple-Who-Is-In-Love-And-Wants-The-World-To-Know,

I’m so glad that you are happy together. Truly, I am. Love can be a beautiful thing.

But you know what’s not beautiful? Listening to the sound of you two swapping spit and seeing tongue in my peripheral vision.

We are sitting in a row with three seats. Three, not two. Yes, there is someone sitting directly next to you. Hey, Guy, Remember when you were making your move to rub your greasy hands all over Girl’s leg? Ok, and remember that thing you brushed with your arm a couple times? Yeah? That was my arm. A person. Next to you. Just wanted to clarify.

Even though I may be reading a book, that doesn’t mean I’m in a bubble where I’m   unaware of my surroundings. I am VERY aware of what’s going on here. The whispers, the biting of Girl’s ear, and the sound of kisses all over her face, I mean c’mon.

Thank you for finally breaking it up and deciding to sleep. But let’s remember here, we are not in your hotel room in South Florida anymore. No, we are on an airplane. So maybe don’t sprawl your bodies over the two seats you occupy and spill over into my personal space. Ok?

**1.5 hours later**

I have had to put up with you for an hour and a half, but we made it. We have landed in Atlanta and although you woke up a couple of times to snog some more, I am just glad to be back on land with people getting up to get their bags.

Wait, what did you just say?

Oh. My. Gosh. EWW. Please stop. Please stop discussing your “incredible” intercourse you experienced in your hotel room this morning- in detail. Really? REALLY? Wow, yeah you should be proud that you came in early last night and saved your love making for this morning after sleeping wonderfully together. These are all very important details that I definitely need to hear about your life.

Can you not at least talk softer? I mean seriously do you really not know that you are not alone right now, that there are 160 other passengers on this plane, and a teenager right next to you?

OK, Guy, you really are just a trashy jerk. Trying to convince Girl to endorse your weed smoking habit? So that IS what I smelled from your breath earlier when you reached over to show me a picture of you two.

  1. I did not ask to see this picture
  2. No, I don’t think you’re hot. Why are you asking me?
  3. Girl is right, you are a [insert inappropriate word here]
  4. I would not have laughed that off, Girl
  5. Really? You had to smoke a joint before going on an airplane?

Finally. It’s about to be my turn to deplane. Trust me I am going to RUN down this aisle like my life depends on it. Almost there….

STOP. Are you kidding me? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I do not want hear about the dirty things Girl was planning on doing with you last night and I definitely do NOT need to see a demonstration of your finger playing the role of your penis. You are disgusting and if I could make you feel ashamed of yourself right now, I would.

Instead, I’ll just post your story on the Internet. Karma, huh?

P.S. Fedoras are not in right now.

-The Fly Girl

[All events are not over-dramatized for the purpose of writing. No hyperbole here, folks. And just to be clear, as soon as I got home I took a shower because I felt so gross having shared that space for almost two hours with this grotesque couple.]